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While there are a thousand recipes for succeeding at a diet, a marriage, or a vacation, there are also “instruction manuals” for heading straight to disaster. Yes, even in Bali. Here are the fundamentals that will allow you, almost certainly, to ruin your vacation in Bali by the book. Thank you who?
We asked our travelers—quite mischievous ones—what they had avoided doing to keep from spoiling their stay. And we drew from it a recipe absolutely not to follow!
Here are the key points to remember… if you absolutely insist on being, at minimum, disappointed by your vacation in Bali. The objective: gather all the ingredients to make your stay, if not a catastrophe, at least a good big disaster.
1 / Start by Going on Forums
Read the comments of people you do not know, and above all, soak up their negativity.
These internet users often did not succeed in their own trip to Bali, but will be delighted to explain to you how to succeed in yours.
Follow their advice to the letter, you are in good hands.
2 / Build Your Bali Vacation Program Solely on the Internet
Collect all the tourist spots, “secret places,” and “good addresses” seen online, then integrate them all into your program.
This way, you are certain to see the “beautiful,” “authentic” Bali, and the places “absolutely must-see.” Hoping, of course, that you will be the only one to know about them… and not one of the 10,000 visitors to have had the same idea.
3 / Trust “Travelers” Blindly
To properly ruin your stay, you must absolutely consider that any individual defining themselves as a “traveler” is a cultural expert.
From the moment he or she has visited three countries, their opinion becomes an absolute truth.
Their perspective is worth an anthropological study. Their Instagram feed is worth a spiritual guide.
4 / Follow the Sacred Philosophy of the “Backpacker”
It cannot be said enough!
The “backpacker” lives “as close to the locals as possible,” knows all the good tips for paying nothing, and above all avoids the sworn enemy: the tourist.
They are all found in the same warungs and the same guesthouses, congratulating their own clairvoyance for having followed to the letter… the guide that bears their name.
The backpacker is also a seasoned economist: he knows exactly how much a Balinese artisan should earn.
He will therefore offer him five times less than the asking price, with a knowing wink: “You can’t fool me. I know the country.”
5 / Prepare Your Trip Like in the 1980s
Do not let yourself be influenced by these rumors that “the world has changed” or “the cost of living has increased.”
Prepare your stay as in the blessed era of 3 francs per day in Bali.
And if possible, come by boat, it will give you a few months to learn Indonesian on deck.
6 / Refuse to Understand the Local Culture
We Westerners are civilized, environmentalist, respectful of human rights, and our political model is obviously exemplary.
Why bother taking an interest in a foreign culture?
Upon arriving in Bali, proudly note that:
- The Balinese do not speak French,
- That “it’s not like before,” even if you do not know how it was,
- That they ride scooters instead of walking barefoot or on horseback (that would be more “authentic”).
Multiply the disparaging remarks, return to France relieved, and tell your colleagues… about your ruined vacation.
Editor’s note: We were supposed to list 10 points, but… In the end, we thought that to really ruin your vacation, it takes a serious dose of ill will, and quite a bit of negative energy. So, rather than driving the point home, we offer you some real good advice:
What If You Did the Opposite?
- Forget what you know.
- Forget who you are.
- Forget what your culture considers “good” or “bad.”
- Come to Bali with desires, but without expectations.
- Do not judge. Learn. Be kind.
- And you will see: you will receive in return.
Bali is not a destination. It is an experience. A personal experience, which everyone can live in their own way. But with only one true priority: Let go. We hope this article made you smile because, of course, it is a message to be taken with a grain of salt (but which is so inspired by real events…).
